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Flow (Free verse) by zodiac Nights she dreams the bedroom,
farmhouse, cornrows plowed straight, come
unmoored. This is too good,
she thinks, this straightness, this hard
earth of certitude, love. There will be flood,
flux, sinkage, some nadir. There will be
earth-pull, that waiting ocean, Memory.
Up the ladder:
Midnight in the Garden
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Explorations Underground
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 9.5
Posted: January 10, 2006 2:50 PM PST; Last modified: January 10, 2006 2:50 PM PSTWeighted score: 6.2102365 Overall Rank: 972 Comments:
[9]
ecargo @ 167.219.0.142
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10-Jan-06/3:09 PM
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Reply
This is great. Small things: corn rows should probably be two words (otherwise it's the hairstyle, no?); is unmoored quite it?--are they drifting in this dream, undone? killer ending and a richness of imagery and sounds.
[n/a]
zodiac @ 209.193.18.119
> ecargo
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10-Jan-06/3:19 PM
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Reply
This was prompted. Here's the prompt: http://tinyurl.com/7dmtc
That is a deep scar. Watch out if the tide gets too high or too low.
beautiful,
nice word choices
i liked it then and i likes it now.
Recently I had a debate with someone over the use of 'this (is)' in a poem. I always wonder what happens when you pull it out - because there's always something happening. To me 'this (is)' is like a pointing finger, it's outside of the poem. The other party didn't agree. To him it was something he used frequently, without any objections. He liked the rhythm of it, and the decisiveness. I think he would have used your poem to prove his point. But maybe I would have too.
I've got a problem with 'she dreams'/'she thinks'.
Where did your reply go? Anyway, it's not that I have a problem with 'she dreams' (although doing dreams in poetry I find very tricky) or 'she thinks', but with the order in which you use them here - or does she think in her dream? Sorry for not making myself clear.
Also I didn't mean to just pull out 'this is'. If you pull out a word from a good poem, the whole thing changes.
Three different images of flow and damn good ones to boot.
Cool. Is memory entirely necessary. There is another poem that is quite famous that ends on an abrupt fat portentious: Memory. It goes something like watching the ink from my pen on paper, ah memory. Alright I've forgotten where I heard it but it does.
I've noticed your line breaks tend to be more for visual purposes than for phonic purposes.
No they are phonic listen. Come (open vowel) line break (hold) unmoored (low sound). Flood (pause) then flood of words, flux sinkage, some nadir.
There is no point posting an attractive looking poem on here anyway because the font is unbelievably ugly.
Yeah I said that wrong, totally wrong. I think what I meant was that he uses visual layout to effect the sound as opposed to letting the reader find their own pauses. I see how it seems necessary in this poem. Basically I'm saying he tends to use a rigid structure in his own way. He kinda writes in a subtle William Shatner/Christopher Walkin type speach. This is something I really like about his poems though.
Anyway I should think about what I'm trying to say before I say it. I'm sure later I'll feel stupid about something I said in this comment too. Somedays I just don't express myself very well.
That's a nice theory, and I'd love to claim it. But my line-ends are almost always for bad rhyme or bad rhythm (ie, -room/come, good/hard/flood, be/-ory). What words I decide to rhyme or make fall at that point in the rhythm does have something to do with what you're talking about. And richa, too. I've never put it in so many words, but I feel it.
Hmmmm. Quite good. ;-)
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