Other № 134770
The Third Fall Of Jesus
âLord teach me dear, to know Your Way,
The pain You suffered all Your days,
While this earth with love You save
On us who doth with anger rave.
Teach me O lord to understand
The last of all the falls Youâve had
Wile on Your way to Calvary
Absolute sacrifice â just for meâ.
This prayed I, and went to sleep
The Lord indeed doth promise keep;
The following day revealed His pain
My prayer was never said in vain.
Next morning, I, the road did cross
Surprisingly I had a toss
A passing bike had brushed me past
Into confusion was I cast.
People gathered round to help
Especially one â indeed a frien;
They pulled me to my feet to see
If I was alright within me.
The name of Jesus cried my heart
The very moment I had a start
Then His peace just kept flowing on
All scare and fright seemed to be gone.
One person amongst the crowd
To call Him friend I am so proud
Gave me a drink I love so much
His help to me my heart did touch.
He took me to the hospital near,
To cast away remaining fear â
He thought I might be having still
For the benefit of his mind â to see me well.
âYouâre alrightâ, explained the doctor
Who no doubt was quite amused.
âThereâs not a scratch or wound to show me
An accident you have been throughâ.
My friend and I then went our ways
Slowly I got out of my daze
Of the event I had just been through
Could it indeed really be true?
I kept wondering what the plan
Of God was, through my accident.
Perhaps of goodness and of love
And of His mercy from above?
That night I thanked and praised His name
And wondered about this sort of game â
I had been through and didnât know
About the meaning on the score.
Then the wisdom of the Spirit spoke
All chains and barriers He broke
His peace and love to me flowed on
All through the night until the morn.
The Holy Spirit spoke so well
The joy I felt â its hard to tell
The pain of His third fall I knew
Iâd like to share it all with you.
Christ carried His cross on Good Friday
And had three falls along the way
Of shame and a Fatherâs abandonment
For us â all His energy He spent.
His whole body was bruised
Him the people around abused
âCrucify Him, Crucify Himâ, they cried
In His love they did not abide.
Wine mixed with gall, He had to drink
Little did they realize the link
To the freedom they dreamt all through their lives
Thinking the Saviourâs still to arrive.
No one was willing to carry the weight;
Simon of Cyrene was forced to take
A share of the load our Lord bore on
For you and for me and our sinful life run.
Now my comparisons are here
Given by the Spirit dear
Of my accident and our Lordâs fall
This indeed makes me feel so small.
I fell down; our Lord did too
All seemed to know me â Him none knew
They pulled me up â He tried so hard
Juice was I given â Him gall by a guard.
Willingly someone helped me
But Simon of Cyrene was forced to see
The only way for him through the city
Was to carry the cross â by fear or by pity.
This makes me see His love for me
âCause the people around were all happy
To see me on my feet again
Without a scratch or sign of pain.
But our Lord was far worse-off than me
The sort of treatment He had scares me
To see Him dead was their only plan
And of all who belong to His heavenly clan.
This proves to me no doubt, but that
When you pray with your heart and trust
The Lord will speak in different ways
Within a moment or in days.
Each event of your life will show
How your life for God can grow
If you will only ask Him to
Reach out and prove Himself to You.
Are you willing to undertake
The road to the heavenly inheritance?
Just tell Him, âO lead me on,
I am all Yours, please sign me onâ.
Amanda Dâcosta
30th June 1996
21 comments
1. Do not use "doth". Especially don't use it just for rhythm, which is what you're using it for.
2. Do not do what we call "inversion"; that is, writing a sentence backwards so you get the rhyming word, usually the verb, last. Some examples of this from your poem are "While this earth with love You save", "The Lord indeed doth promise keep", "Next morning, I, the road did cross", and so on. Obviously, you'd normally say "While you save this earth with love", "The Lord doth keep his promises", and "Next morning, I crossed the road". Yes, it's harder to get the rhyme that way. Poetry writing is hard. Rather than trying to rhyme "love", "promises" and "road" instead, I'd suggest using a technique we call "enjambment" - running the phrase through the end of the line. This way, lines like
Next morning, I, the road did cross
Surprisingly I had a toss
become
Next morning, early, while I crossed
the road I had a frightful toss.
- Or something such. See what I mean? If not, let me know and I'll try again.
3. Pay attention to the grammar and punctuation connecting lines or thoughts. What I'm thinking of is lines like
While this earth with love You save
On us who doth with anger rave
If you write it out as a paragraph you get "While this earth with love you save on us who doth with anger rave." Or, the Lord saves *ON* us. That's not real grammar. It's easy enough to fix, just do like I suggested and write everything out as a paragraph to check. You see pretty quickly that you'd have done better to "for" or "and" instead of "on".
4. What's really going on is that many of your phrases aren't 100% relevant or connected to what you're saying at the time - or rather, you end up fitting them in in a way that's distracting or confusing because you need the rhyme. Sure, they're all connected in that they're about God's love and God really does save all the people who rave and so on, but that make a really untight and confusing poem. Um, I'll say it this way: A lot of your rhymes are too often used to make this a compelling or very precise poem, so there's no reason to fight to keep them. I would start working (and I mean really WORKING) to find new rhymes that don't require distracting or unnecessary ideas, phrases, or grammar inversion. I'm sorry to tell you it's going to be hard, that it'll take a lot of frustration to do well, but I can tell you've got the smarts to pull it off. Don't give up. And don't ignore my advice, please. People are going to tell you this is a great poem. It's a good story and a good Christian message coming from a good heart - I agree. But just like there are people who are only going to look at the story and faith side of this, there need to be people who only look at the grammar and structure side. If you listen to BOTH of us, you're going to come off better. Good luck. If you have any questions, just ask.
zodiac
If i might ask, isn't there such a thing as poetic license, or writing in the passive tense and things like that. I feel and have always felt, that every poet has his own style of phrasing his words within which he fits in best. I'm not saying that i disagree with you on your views regarding my poems, but strongly feel that maybe i'm merely trying to fit in with my poetic style, this being the style which flows freely at the moment. Nevertheless, I am going to take the time to ponder on your review, and perhaps you might find some "improvement", in my style of presentation. See you around.
There is such a thing as poetic license, and it basically means 'seeing how much you can get away with, asking your reader to go along with something unnatural or untrue.' For example, I once wrote a poem where a duck slit its own wrists. Another time, I wrote a poem where a white man's mother was black. The part of your 5 loaves poem where you said the people were dying of hunger takes poetic license, since it's not true to the real Bible story. Sometimes people go along with poetic license, sometimes they object. Poetic license doesn't mean that they have to accept it.
Passive tense means saying "The chair was built by me", "The game was won by Lahore", etc. You don't do that in your poem.
I would never ask you to change your poetic style. But surely if you could improve it with just a little work, you would, right? I think you can. I don't mean to be trashing your style, yourself, or anything else. I'm writing such long nitpicky reviews because I see that (unlike a lot of poemranker users) you have talent and you listen to suggestions. That means your already better than 99% of the people out there. Anyway, please don't feel bad. -zodiac
As for the poetic licence and the stuff, i was merely thinking aloud, not that my poem fitted into it, or that it was in the passive tense and so on. i was merely trying to figure out what my poem was or where it fits in. It was written a long time ago, in just one night, rather within half an hour, that i never bothered to edit it in any way out of sheer happiness at having written it. Now that i've got onto poemranker, i've decided to have a go at writing once again. I value your reviews and know that there would definitely be a lot of improvement in my work.
Happy Reviewing!......... amanda
I appreciate the faith of people like you who see an an accident like a spill from a bike and ask only, "what the plan Of God was, through my accident." Then, after reviewing Jusus' suffering, conclude, "This makes me see His love for me."
I wish you had left it at that and not included the admonitions in the last three verses. Those of us less gifted in faith, we of little faith, may wish for the contentment of knowing "The Holy Spirit spoke so well" but are stuck in a cycle of wonder at the apparent laxness of God in some situations compared to His apparent goodness in others.
This verse had me in stitches....
"Next morning, I, the road did cross
Surprisingly I had a toss
A passing bike had brushed me past
Into confusion was I cast."
I am deeply tempted to plagiarise it, it is so dreadful.
It's hard to decide what score: 10/10 for garbage; 0/10 for poetry. Since i think you didn't really know how bad it was I'll go for the latter. If you assure me you meant it as a joke, I'll go for 10/10.
Whether it's funny/ a joke /or serious, I see that you've already voted. So, it makes no difference to explain myself.
And if you want to plagiarise it all you want, then go ahead. Feel free. Give vent to all your frustration and pent up emotions and anger. Feel free. That's why my poems are here for you as long as you take the time to read it. That's all that matters... that my stuff be read. What you do with it is your problem, not mine.
And P.S. I ain't scared of your crap, and it ain't contagious to me or doesn't affect me one bit. So as long as you understand that, I'll be looking out for you to read and comment my poems. It means a lot to me that you'd take the time.
So, till then, nice knowing you!
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