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Void (Free verse) by darylchew
I wrote you a letter, without punc- tuation. yet the words flow freely, like the rivers of imagination, as it depicts; the end of everything. For aren't you already gone? Like the whistle of the steel trains, resonating in the air, hot steam gushing out of cold metal. For isn't that what you do best? You read me a story, of true love in a false land; but aren't we vulnerable when we're on our own? Isn't the impact of fact practical, that we know so little, yet assume so much?

Up the ladder: Countdown
Down the ladder: Fourty Caliber Thirty Pack

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Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
 GraphVotes
10  .. 10
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.. 10

Arithmetic Mean: 7.2
Weighted score: 5.2622466
Overall Rank: 3966
Posted: May 3, 2005 2:30 AM PDT; Last modified: May 3, 2005 2:30 AM PDT
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thepinkbunnyofdoom

Comments:
[8] zodiac @ 212.118.19.183 | 3-May-05/2:29 PM | Reply
You'd do better to write this without some of the punctuation:
- no comma after 'letter'
- no comma after 'imagination'
- no semicolon after 'depicts'
- no comma after 'trains'
- no comma after 'story'

Go ahead, tell me you did it on purpose.
[9] jessicazee @ 152.163.100.135 | 3-May-05/2:29 PM | Reply
Omit "yet the" in line 2; also the "Like" in line 5; try in the single line 8 leaving out "For". I think it you would say so much more without giving the reader obvious clues of metaphor. This is really very good. 8.9
[n/a] darylchew @ 202.156.2.130 > jessicazee | 3-May-05/2:29 PM | Reply
thank you very much.
[9] jessicazee @ 152.163.100.195 > darylchew | 3-May-05/2:29 PM | Reply
You're welcome (if you were directing my way...). I'd love it if you commented on the poem I just posted, "Grandma and Grandpa" if you have the time.
[10] thepinkbunnyofdoom @ 4.224.87.95 | 3-May-05/2:29 PM | Reply
The first two lines, were losing me, but by the last verse I really I was blown away.

"You read me a story, of true love in a false land;
but aren't we vulnerable when we're on our own?"

Love that line. Enough to be a 10.

<3 Jason
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