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Stopping at the oak (draft) (Free verse) by Caducus
I wept with our Oak. Laid broken on a tear shaped tomb as a shell which tore at the yolk, in our nest of no song barren as Mother Natures womb. Once here I was felled. Our bodies burned like fire. But forces of nature are eventually quelled, her coldness became loves pyre. For one last time I read to you Frost at the last page is the Elm leaf you pressed, from the first time we kissed that fell on your chest, now marking the end of stories lost. Poems unwritten inscribed on leaves. Raining from my soul that grieves. Under veined skies of reaching branches. You haunt me in the omen of banshees. True love that lives, dies a terrible rage. The Elm was pressed on the very last page. Your love only lives each night behind lashes In dreams we are one until sleep passes, and when I awake you are forced to sleep In the crib of my heartbreak you weep.

Down the ladder: Self Portrait

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Arithmetic Mean: 6.25
Weighted score: 5.1490035
Overall Rank: 5326
Posted: January 13, 2005 4:33 AM PST; Last modified: January 13, 2005 4:33 AM PST
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Comments:
[10] zodiac @ 212.118.14.17 | 13-Jan-05/5:39 AM | Reply
1) Don't capitalise "Oak".
2) Don't put a period after it either.
3) Then don't capitalise "Laid".
4) Correctly punctuate "Nature's".
5) On second thought, don't say that at all; and don't rhyme "tomb" and "womb".
6) That reminds me: Don't rhyme "fire" and "pyre".
7) Punctuate after Frost.
8) Don't punctuate after pressed.
9) What's up with all the periods in that stanza anyway? And couldn't you have made at least one of those a full clause?
10) "You haunt me in the omen of banshees" doesn't make any sense. You'll try to explain it now. Don't. It still doesn't.

That's your limit. Do you want more?
[n/a] Shardik @ 24.130.62.63 > zodiac | 14-Jan-05/5:02 PM | Reply
Dude, you crack me up
You're like "Don't try and explain the
haunting omen of banshees..." for some
reason, that made me giggle.

He's right Big A
this needs a shrink wrap, and a facial
It has a lot of decent lines...
Which is like saying "well, let's see
how drunk I get for the fat chick, she's cutening up
by the break neck sip"
lol.
[n/a] Caducus @ 172.189.154.57 > zodiac | 17-Jan-05/2:32 AM | Reply
Damn you're right and when I posted this I wanted the grammar cops to beat me senseless till I resembled jackie stallone. To explain my use of banshee its a female spirit which haunts in the wind so it does make sense but the meter and all the other points you mentioned are spot on.

I've done better and a lot worse but I'll let this John Merrick piece breathe itself into its own death.
[10] zodiac @ 212.118.14.17 > Caducus | 17-Jan-05/5:37 AM | Reply
I know what a banshee is. The confusion was "haunting in the omen of" one. Presumably, you mean in the banshee's song, which is an omen of death, rather than an omen predicting a banshee itself, which would be bizarre, redundant, and require a whole substructure of meta-banshees to appear before the banshees proper.

By "haunts", I imagine you mean simply "exists in a kind of scary way" which is how you used it in your comment above, so you can use "in" after (ie, "haunts in the wind") rather than the more common and understandable "haunts the wind" or "haunts the omens of banshees").

Anyway I essentially got to the person "you" haunting in the haunting song of a haunt before I got totally flummoxed. It could have been so much easier.
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