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The Sea (revised) (Free verse) by Dovina
I had never especially liked the sea, because it came with the beach. Its few beautiful brown people and its masses of repulsive pink people, its noise and its smell and its glare, I felt disgust when I was there. He saw only clean, clear water rising to clean, clear sky. He heard only rhythm of waves. One side of them was like the underside of water, one side was the water’s top, he said, and the crests were yet another thing for him. We walked along the shore, away from the sound of people, and climbed the cliff to dark cormorants and white seagulls. We listened to the surge of sea and calling birds. He became unaware of me. Compared to waves and cliffs, birds and clouds, I was of no interest. He forgot to help me over the steep places. I followed him, feeling humbled, as a little sister would, tagging after a wise brother. He showed me the world he loved, and after that I loved the sea.

Down the ladder: Many Thanks

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Arithmetic Mean: 6.875
Weighted score: 5.5042653
Overall Rank: 2671
Posted: June 22, 2004 8:18 AM PDT; Last modified: June 26, 2004 1:51 PM PDT
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Comments:
[10] Dan garcia-Black @ 66.159.232.44 | 22-Jun-04/8:30 AM | Reply
Good.
#1 why clean clear not clean, clear?
#2 why not
And after that
I loved the sea.
Was it for form's sake?
Besides, I like repulsive pink people at the beach... especially with wasabi, soy sauce and a side of ginger.
[n/a] Dovina @ 24.52.157.176 > Dan garcia-Black | 22-Jun-04/8:40 AM | Reply
After writing out the spirit of this, I adopted a semi-form for a poem and started pushing things into the form. But soon I felt cramped within my own clutches and let most of it flow formless. Your suggestions are good, except wasabi is best with sashimi.
[10] Dan garcia-Black @ 66.159.232.44 > Dovina | 22-Jun-04/8:51 AM | Reply
Raw or grilled with liver and onions?
[n/a] Dovina @ 24.52.157.176 > Dan garcia-Black | 22-Jun-04/9:03 AM | Reply
Sashimi and pink beach people are generally served raw, and what's generally accepted is what we should try for in our food and our poetry, don't you agree?
[9] boldsilence @ 68.11.251.86 | 22-Jun-04/11:26 AM | Reply
First off, thanks for reviewing my poem, Inside.

This poem was really good. The images were remarkable. I loved your wording. I would have elaborated a little more on the last two stanzas, explain what you meant a little bit more, but that's my only complaint.

-Nichole-
[9] wilco @ 24.176.102.131 | 24-Jun-04/4:00 PM | Reply
I'm glad you learned to like the sea. I'm going there next week and can't freakin' wait.
[8] DR Limerick @ 213.48.74.44 | 26-Jun-04/11:53 PM | Reply
Yar i liken diz I hope you wor a condome?
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