Replying to a comment on:

Lose That Too ! (Lyric) by recherche

Lost the morning sun again The dew upon the dale , Wings of dove and butterflies Breezes as they wail . Lost another noon of blue One more kiss of rain , All the flowers bloom today Nighttime as they wane . Lost a silent starry moon Upon a summer's rill , And the valley's marigolds Sweet with daffolds . Lost another gaze of night Upon a mountain's view , Even if I tasted love — I'm sure to lose that too ! ___________________ 4 - 10 - 04

zodiac 27-Apr-04/7:16 AM
Since everyone is so all about this poem, I've decided to post a list of things in it that just don't make any goddamn sense, in no particular order except that they irk me.
1) The thing with the spaces before the punctuation.
2) Breezes as they wail is stupid and just for the rhyme. What in god's name are wailing breezes doing in a pastoral, um, pasture, anyway? When, in a fit of boredom, I rewrote this poem to be about pants, I changed dale to dell and wail to smell. I liked it much better.
3) 'Nighttime as they wane' - also just for rhyme and meter.
4) 'daffolds' is not a word.
5) Marigolds wouldn't be 'Sweet with daffolds' anyway.
6) 'gaze of night'
7) The last two lines are a semantic train-wreck. Why didn't you just say "I'm sure I'd lose that too !" Oh, wait, because that would only change the triteness and nonsense level of this poem by .0001 percent.




Track and Plan your submissions ; Read some Comics ; Get Paid for your Poetry
PoemRanker Copyright © 2001 - 2024 - kaolin fire - All Rights Reserved
All poems Copyright © their respective authors
An internet tradition since June 9, 2001