Shuushin21 Apr 2004

interesting (good) title.

not sure I like "soil thronging" - with the surrounding text it may be [subconciously] parsed as "schlonging" ... that could just be me though.

Lots good about this stanza:

"I know not with what to please them
They thrive like rapid wildfire
So judge me now
As a solemn winter
Unable to ice a flame
Parity in diversion"

but kill the last line ("Parity...") there, and I don't like the "charcoal" refrain - for what its worth (though I liked it alot the first time).