Replying to a comment on:

in love with jane doe (Free verse) by crin

your eyes are the eeriest shade of pure pale green your eyes are more beautiful than the universe you're curls and curves in all the right places a silhouette a shadow casts you're the most perfect mess you're shattered glass and i see my reflection in you seven years of bad luck if only i could be so lucky

nentwined 12-Apr-02/5:22 PM
I like bits and pieces of this poem immensely, if those could just be picked out and put in a proper frame...

"Your eyes are the eeriest shade of pure pale green"

actually... I really *don't* like "your eyes are more beautiful than the universe" -- too simple, too easy, doesn't say anything. Then the next stanza seems to fumble and not really connect to the end of the poem.

The end (you're shattered glass ... if only I could be so luck) I like.

I just need a better understanding of the situation, the middle needs... otherness and explanation, for me.




Track and Plan your submissions ; Read some Comics ; Get Paid for your Poetry
PoemRanker Copyright © 2001 - 2024 - kaolin fire - All Rights Reserved
All poems Copyright © their respective authors
An internet tradition since June 9, 2001