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Old Glory (Concrete) by Richard

/----------------------------------------------------------------\ | O L D | not a name to be used, taken lightly, casually | | |------------------------------------------------| | G L O R Y | it comes from within but humbly asserts itself | | |------------------------------------------------| | B R A V E | tiding, good omen for oppressed people worldly | | |------------------------------------------------| | S Y M B O L | this a new nation meant for, and by the people | | |------------------------------------------------| | A Y O U N G | man pledges daily allegiance, piously, serving | | |------------------------------------------------| | N A T I O N | earning its name through pride, and assistance | | |------------------------------------------------| | S E R V I N G | without regard for race, creed, origin, or God | | |------------------------------------------------| | F R E E D O M | the most basic human right to live, and breath | | |------------------------------------------------| | H O N O R | those who came before and those yearning daily | |----------------------------------------------------------------| | For a life without subjugation or a lingering death to slavery | |----------------------------------------------------------------| | Standing tall as a beacon of hope, soaring higher than tyranny | |----------------------------------------------------------------| | Raised by those whose hearts are full of expectation for peace | |----------------------------------------------------------------| | Colors, never running, waving honorably in the wind of freedom | \----------------------------------------------------------------/

Richard 29-Mar-04/3:02 PM
Just because I don't respond doesn't mean I haven't heard you. "Misplaced Life" was my attempt at removing the cliché’s from my content, but then it was my use of verbiage that upset you. Are you like an English Lit professor that's tired of grading homework?

As far as The Pedestal went, try this on for size. Not everyone who reads poetry does so at a College level or at your level whatever that might be. That particular poem was written for a person who uses English as a second language. So it may be old hat or "cliché" to the 50 or 60% percentile who even keep up with all the clichés out there, but to her maybe it was the first English poem anyone ever wrote for her. So what if it's cliché central, I didn't totally cop out and buy a generic greeting card, I created my own. And that, my friend, just happens to be one of those "little" things that women keep track of.

This poem, if you take the time to study it, has 13 lines just like the flag, there are 50 letters where the stars are, you can read the stars down or across into the strips. You can read the strips with or without the stars (although it seems to miss a beat here or there). IMHO, what stood out about this type of poetry was that its structure is what made it concrete, not the content.

I read what you guys say. I also check on what you're saying about other people’s poetry. You seem to really come down hard on budding poets. Maybe life has treated you poorly and your only outlet is to bring someone else’s world down. So what if it's bad poetry, give it a bad score and make suggestion on improvement. For myself, I could care less what other people think about my work, I write for my enjoyment. If they want to take the time and give me constructive advice on how to improve, that's great. But when YOU arbitrarily slam something the way you do, I just figure:
A: You're pissed off at the world
B: Were an abused child and this is how you're getting closure
C: Your job sucks, you hate your boss, so you surf the net during working hours writing dissertations to people who ignore you
D: All of the above

One other thing, about this poem anyway, this is my first attempt at a "concrete" poem. So what if there are coined phrases or clichés. That just means there are thousands of people out there that understand what I’m trying to say. So if Billy Bob Redneck gets hold of this he knows I’m talking about our flag, and doesn’t have to wonder what “The sower of pesticide for the worlds two-leg’ed cockroaches” means. By going so far to say something new or that hasn't been said, you run the risk of alienating or insulting people. I'm not saying clichés can't be reworded or improved, but (here comes one now) if it ain't broke, don't fix it (i.e. If its function is within tolerance and performance fits within optimal operating environments, refrain from adjustment, modification, or tampering in an attempt to improve the final outcome)




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