Poemranker [Replying] Sat May 04 03:36:14 PDT 2024

Replying to a comment on:

This is how God feels insulated warmth Thickly shaking off dream feathers Blessed timeless blisses Yesterday is an unread chain my skin illiterate & numb. Hungry & dim. Cotton womb aglow insolar Do I dream, wake, wonder? Time returns. The senseless tick Of the clock, is a sequence, a sentence. Bit, bit, I recall The feeling of living skin skin I live in. In the record of my flesh, I find yesterday. I mourn the ignorance of bodilessness. If only I was a feathered angel I was a dream

Shuushin

2-Mar-04/10:57 AM

I like the accentuation of key words with the capitalization, and if you did that on purpose, then I'm fine, too, with the punctuation.

Though I know that some will be put off by it - hey this is not sculpting (despite the similarities); where we can't ignore the laws of physics and invent materials and have them hover over the piece blinking in and out from multiple dimensions - this is poetry. And we can very easily fuck with those "laws".

So, having said that I like the mechanics of it - I'm a bit put off by the first line, and therefore the rational for the rest.

I just don't believe this dumbing-down of god-like sensations to a human level (and this is from a guy who doesn't believe in god).

I think it's fixable by making it a lesser diety (stick an article in there), and maybe by shading the perspective a little (not sure exactly how to do that). I may be the only one bothered by it, dunno - it still could appeal to a broader audience.

extra points for style.

Track and Plan your submissions ; Read some Comics ; Get Paid for your Poetry

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