Poemranker [Replying] Thu Nov 21 15:14:57 PST 2024

Replying to a comment on:

I work now with small green things and brilliant colours. The smell of the earth is deeply ingrained in the ridges of my flesh and the sky touches down the brim of my hat. On a rainy day I sit with a paper and go out later to feel Iâm being watered. I have a bright yellow oilskin and the rain runs cold off my forehead and down my nose. I have a rosebush named Candy and one named Sue and a wheelbarrow. I have a long, long time to watch the wild things grow.

zodiac

5-Feb-04/2:34 PM

You HAVE been reading Heaney! This is good. I don't mean it's good because it's Heaney or vice versa. It stands by itself, carries off the influence well, and has some memorable images. My one quibble: I would add something to "the sky touches the brim of my hat" to make the diction a little alien or arresting, so people don't gloss over it, which is what I see happening. As cheesy as it sounds, if you said something like "the sky touches on the brim of my hat" or perhaps even 'to', I think it would work. If you wonder about the 9, it's cause I don't think there's the density of idea and imagery here that you have in some of your others. That's a quibble and a personal thing, but as Shuushin would say, at least I didn't give you a zero.

Track and Plan your submissions ; Read some Comics ; Get Paid for your Poetry

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