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sea of pearls (Free verse) by crwncka1

the tides are beginning to return in from the vast ocean, of love felt deep within me from the very core existence, with a natural flow that casts away every last separate, desire between us to form the completion of the union, of true wholeness that like a swan song is gracefully, blending with the unknown and unseen forces at work, forming the merger from the soul level of our existence, being shaped on the outer realm entirely now as one, a true vision of focus is now appearing in my eyesight, as I now become fully aware in looking though her eyes, what I felt from all the back to beginning to be true love, I find to be the long lost missing part of me deep within, as the moment in truth has now arrived for us with time, becoming like a sacred burning torch to show the way, back home for us now as our paths are coming together, now showing a way for her to follow on my inner journey, that is becoming ours to share in wholly as the universe, is taking full control over our nature with the intention, from the source of creation that exists entirely over us, working now as the force forming this union of marriage, that we may share together in a vision becoming clear, that lay in store with time now directing like a play, the course of action necessary in order to take me away, from this old place that forever has haunted over me, like a underground ground prison existing in my mind, now becoming dust falling though the air vanishing away, to reveal a fresh surface forming past the dark tunnel, that only is seen though my sharply tuned inner vision, as the future though a moment in time clearly seen as, the jewel used to capture her heart with all of my love

zodiac 20-Jan-04/8:11 AM
1.) Don't end every line with a comma; it not grammatical (most heinous: "separate, desire")
2.) Capitalize and punctuate like real sentences; or is this meant to be one Dickensian sentence?
3.) Break up the lines by some other basis than a pause or the end of a clause; continuous, homogenous long lines are hard to read and not really poetic. Instead, use line breaks to isolate bits of phrases that can - I don't know - stand alone, words or short phrases that have significance (or even shock value) when you see them alone on a line.

Okay, now you have something that at least looks like a poem without having had to sacrifice your precious artistic vision.

4.) Get an artistic vision, or at least know that any mention of seas flowing, swan songs, burning torches, plays being directed, dark tunnels, or clear jewels will be met with extreme scepticism by most of your readers. Handle them originally. Maybe make the sea not flow, for once, or at least flow somewhere besides the direction taken by your average '80's pop song.

4.5) Besides, I can't even tell what you're talking about (probably that you like some girl/boy/thing/ocean,) or who you are (again, a boy, girl, jeweler, or marine biologist?)
5.) Read some of the poems on this site before you decide you're too intelligent for these lamers.

Sorry you had to hear this from me, but I might be the only one here who'll take you seriously enough to reply. You're welcome to go bash my poem. Tchuss!




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