zodiac20 Jan 2004

1.) Don't end every line with a comma; it not grammatical (most heinous: "separate, desire")
2.) Capitalize and punctuate like real sentences; or is this meant to be one Dickensian sentence?
3.) Break up the lines by some other basis than a pause or the end of a clause; continuous, homogenous long lines are hard to read and not really poetic. Instead, use line breaks to isolate bits of phrases that can - I don't know - stand alone, words or short phrases that have significance (or even shock value) when you see them alone on a line.

Okay, now you have something that at least looks like a poem without having had to sacrifice your precious artistic vision.

4.) Get an artistic vision, or at least know that any mention of seas flowing, swan songs, burning torches, plays being directed, dark tunnels, or clear jewels will be met with extreme scepticism by most of your readers. Handle them originally. Maybe make the sea not flow, for once, or at least flow somewhere besides the direction taken by your average '80's pop song.

4.5) Besides, I can't even tell what you're talking about (probably that you like some girl/boy/thing/ocean,) or who you are (again, a boy, girl, jeweler, or marine biologist?)
5.) Read some of the poems on this site before you decide you're too intelligent for these lamers.

Sorry you had to hear this from me, but I might be the only one here who'll take you seriously enough to reply. You're welcome to go bash my poem. Tchuss!