Shuushin15 Jan 2004

I like it, with one small exception - okay two, but the second is more general.

The first stanza - mixed metaphor, I think you can fix it with removing the last three lines (and still completely retain the meaning).

It may be my taste, but I kept feeling like strings of words could be removed here and there, maybe 2,3 words in a row - to make the remainder more rich.