Replying to a comment on:

Drunken Night (Other) by Ataryu

Vision blurs, A bunch of slurs, Drank to much wine, Can’t walk the line. I've been cuffed, The back seats ruff, The windows open, And im a jumpin. Cars swirve by me, I fucked up my knee, Keep running for the river, Now it’s getting deeper To fucked to swim, The light is dim, No more air, This isn't fair. Hell or Heaven, That is the question, The thoughts flash by, Now I die.

richa 5-Oct-03/1:10 PM
'Now I die' seems hyperbolic and a lot of the rhymes seem forced 'knee/me, swim dim'

Still fast flowing and not too painful




Track and Plan your submissions ; Read some Comics ; Get Paid for your Poetry
PoemRanker Copyright © 2001 - 2024 - kaolin fire - All Rights Reserved
All poems Copyright © their respective authors
An internet tradition since June 9, 2001