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Down Lovers Lane (Free verse) by Mr Pig

Tears flowed down the ravines of my arid cheeks, As my fluvial eyes watched you leave. In the darkness of the feint long shadow you cast, You failed to look behind, Its over. I grieved. Down lovers lane I return to where we used to meet, Where woven headlights lit the glade, We would writhe naked, Alive in something sacred, As fairies in dandelion’s played. I stand here now amidst the dry death of leaves, With the banshees of the fallen from deciduous trees, And see our names carved in diseased sycamore, Memories never felt this cruel before. Love is not a constant, Love is an instant, And love favors the weak, They are the dreamers like me who weep. Tangerine skies peel to dusk, And on Lovers Lane – the sound of car engines purr The silver of moon has turned to rust, The arid airs embalmed in myrhh, And lovers make vows to each other incognito, As I walk past, loves widow.

poetandknowit 8-Apr-03/10:39 AM
It is obvious that shadows feint, that is why they are shadows. I am not sure you need to tell the reader that. "fairies in dandelion’s" - what the hell are these. You cannot have realist images and throw these oddities in. It does not work. Even with some of the unabashedly overdramatic langue. "dry death of leaves" = again like the shadow image, there seems to be too much language here. The reader knows that dry leaves are obviously dead. Love is not a constant,
"Love is an instant,
And love favors the weak,
They are the dreamers like me who weep" = you change the context with these lines into a telling montage, which comes off as some sort of didactical statement. What is the purpose of telling the reader these things? Why not let the poem show them without the author butting in and telling the reader how he feels. Engines purr?

The end just rips into pure sap, which ultimately makes the poem fail, but with a rewrite and a lessing of tone and making the context clear (i.e. this is an adult flashing back at his first lost love? Only the Sycamore tree, which is a cliche, shows this. If it is an adult-to-adult relation then the Sycamore tree, which is a cliche, makes it seem young and trite). Sort out the context and maybe you will find the poem in here.




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