poetandknowit23 Mar 2003

It is weak because you start with a rather decent line and create a set up for an extended metaphor that might be rather effective, but you lose it quickly with a ambiguous second line, which I would cut and make the third line the second line, which extends the metaphor in better fashion. Also the problem with the silence line is 1) a cliche and 2) confusing because in reality when the image is brought to life it makes no sense. Also, who are "they"? And what are you going for with the white carpet: innocence, purity, pre-lapsarian language. And considering the poem has to do with words and the tongue is an extended metaphor for that, the last line trips the reader. I think you have a nice idea and with some thought, you could express the concept better utilizing solid imagery within the framework of the original metaphor. Good luck.