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squeeze (Other) by kthulah

i'd like to see that that special wrinkle between your brows arched down at the sides i'd like to feel that the sudden inlet of air you gasp when you're overwhelmed i'd like to hear them those filthy phrases you spill online an inch from my ear i'd like to take you to heaven's vices inside my den with walls made of flesh

god'swife 14-Mar-03/11:08 PM
Ahhh, so is poetry. Only instead of helpful, it would be most gooder if it was coherent. Try some super glue.

Let's see... you use 'that' twice in the first two lines. If you change the second 'that' to 'the', it would repeat in the second stanza which would add some coherence(your word not mine).

'special' is a word that means absolutely nothing at all, particulary in poetry, what makes it special? That's what you need to tell the reader.

Again the unnecessary use of the word 'that'

"The sudden 'entrance' of air you gasp" is awkward and needs to be re-phrased.

Heaven's vices? How do you take someone to a vice, no matter where it might be located?

Den with walls made of flesh. That's just a plainly awful line. The image doesn't seduce, it's actually on the repulsive side. "Den" alone would work, but "with walls of flesh"? Try using an adjective for walls if you must keep it.

You are apparently squeezing your partners body part(s) inside some orifice. That's how your 'poem' comes across. More Gray's Anatomy than Erotica.







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