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suicide weather and dreary imaginings do no good (Concrete) by xanthippe

frozen bridges give iffy security still rivers slow down birthing baracudas snow plathered hills threaten your shelter and the sun shows no sign of ever returning. sunlight heat reflecting hard concrete offers no shade drought-dead dehydrated trees cannot give backing overheating grunting enginecars bring no relief and the stars have not been out in years. sandbagged grey peopled walls can't stand attention coastline building utopias have no chance house made of glass, now looking like an ass and the storm is gaining strength. minds in comfortable complacency wobble faith in stability won't stop the change possessions dissipate like one's own self-respect and the world destroyed, perhaps ever resurrected.

ecargo 28-Dec-02/12:38 PM
You have some good stuff buried in here, but it's going to topple from the weight of all the extra words. Careful, too, of the contradictions--if the sun shows no sign of returning, why does it appear in S2? Lose some of the deadweight--concrete offers no shade/drought-dead trees bring no relief/ the stars have not been seen in years/coastline utopias (no asses)/complacent minds wobble and faith can't stop the change, etc. Work with the good stuff--but WORK with it. Good luck. This could be quite good.




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