nentwined20 Jun 2002

s1 line 4 breaks the rhythm you were building. "lightning flashes true its lies" is awkward and confusing, for me -- true can mean different things, and which it you're referring to can be taken different ways...

s4 line 4 also has an extra syllable ... or if it doesn't (i'm not counting) it sure feels like it does.

overall, I found the poem sweet if a bit simplistic. If I hadn't stumbled over the three things above I think I would have liked it more.