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Louisiana Lovers (Other) by wdallan

The boat glides through the mire and cat o' tails, The girl paddles against her fathers pressing pleas. A leak springs so she frantically bails, Water seeps around her ankles and knees. With fear and trepidation her boy waits, He remembers his special lover's sweetness. They have pledged to always be loving mates; The bayou bubbles with muggy hotness. She reflects on her father's urgent wishes: "Please don't ruin your life with that con-man." Her toes are bitten by little fishes, As her love jumps in to save his woman. The boat sinks to the bottom of the marsh, The lovers with joy to Heaven will march.

hoopoe 19-May-02/6:02 AM
patchy...the rhythm comes and goes, not under cointrol .. sometimes 5 sometimes 4 stresses in a line

something really nice about it, a lazy afternoon, this well visioned clip... the colour, the mixed emotions, but oh dump cliches like "with fear and trepidation" "the lovers with joy to Heaven will march" --- there is going to be a better version of the last line than that
and "franticly bails" - not "franticly"... indeed better no advertb at all, unless it's an unpredictable one... a counter-theme

love them fishes


can a boat sink in a marsh?? or indeed sail in one??? is it a lake..???


they might be there in a moment, heaven I mean.....




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