Replying to a comment on:

Sunrise at McDonalds (Free verse) by Dovina

Bushy heads of palm trees long and slender stems taller than needed reaching for something unknown yet wanted risky, reaching high higher than you must wind can break you palm trees seem to say: worth it for the chase I think I can do I assign human thought where mere instinct rules? do palm trees think I reach too low? ~~~~~~~~ she sat before McDonalds window cell phone in her palm “Sunrise!” I blurted “palms in the sunrise!” she looked and saw it all and did not see blinded by wonder the world in her palm

nentwined 4-Dec-20/4:13 PM
Feels a little clipped to me in places (first two lines set a cadence for me that I then trip on line three).

I like the second view, definitely think it adds something. Though perhaps it would be less on the nose using the word "palm"?




Track and Plan your submissions ; Read some Comics ; Get Paid for your Poetry
PoemRanker Copyright © 2001 - 2024 - kaolin fire - All Rights Reserved
All poems Copyright © their respective authors
An internet tradition since June 9, 2001