Musicman24 Oct 2007

Hi forsaken. I would love to see this potentially wonderful piece trimmed to bare bones. There are so many unnecessary words and the meter is not fluid. You are also mixing active and passive voice,
"I think of the day you'll be back in my arms
Keeping you safe from the world's harm"
Just a suggestion here:
Awaiting the day
back in my arms
keeping safe
my love from world's harm"
although I think that needs some work in itself :).
Anyway, use that pain you are obviously feeling, but try to write this again with half as many words and you may be surprised what you find!