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I Think Of (Free verse) by forsaken

I think of the day you'll be back in my arms Keeping you safe from the world's harm Can't wait to feel the warmth of you on my skin Like a thousand suns burning within I think of the sparkle that I'll see in your eye The thought of how long it's been has me wanting to cry God only knows how much I've done that already My heart became a mess without you please make it steady I think of how my hand has been empty without yours Yours is the only one that can turn open my door The one closing my heart to the rest of the world Babe just come take mine and be my girl I think of how it's been without you in my life It's been so lonely thought I'd never call someone my wife There was alot of cold nights without a star in the sky Where I'd spend them alone staring up asking why I think of How now my future will be Nothing could possibly make me happier then you with me So we can have a life spent holding eachother Simply lost in your eyes never noticing another

Musicman 24-Oct-07/7:15 AM
Hi forsaken. I would love to see this potentially wonderful piece trimmed to bare bones. There are so many unnecessary words and the meter is not fluid. You are also mixing active and passive voice,
"I think of the day you'll be back in my arms
Keeping you safe from the world's harm"
Just a suggestion here:
Awaiting the day
back in my arms
keeping safe
my love from world's harm"
although I think that needs some work in itself :).
Anyway, use that pain you are obviously feeling, but try to write this again with half as many words and you may be surprised what you find!




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