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The Tale Of Marietta And The Hornbag Priest (v.1) (Prose Poem) by Edna Sweetlove

Naughty Marietta sucked her thumb thoughtfully as she put down her copy of “Jungian Self-Analysis for Dummies”. She was astounded. All her life she had seen herself as sweet and innocent. Now she knew differently. She realised that she had been inadvertently tempting men by the provocative way she had been flaunting her delicious body. She finally understood what her best friend, Emily, had meant when she called her a cock-teasing mother-fucking bitch. Marietta felt ashamed of her behaviour and withdrew her hand from her panties where she had been toying with herself meditatively. She put on her primmest clothes, carefully avoiding the short skirts which exposed most of her tanned buns, rejecting the skin-tight T- shirts with their satirical slogans (“My Dad went to London and all he brought me back was a 12 inch dildo”, “Suck here”, “Blowjobs R Us”) and donning metaphorical sackcloth and ashes. She drove to the church sedately. She would make a full confession to her priest. Inside the church, with its sweet smell of incense and unwashed choirboys cheesy cocks, she strode purposively up to the confessional. †œFather M’Bongeau is IN,” read the sign and in she went, dropping reverentially to her knees. ‘I want to make a full confession, Father,’ she intoned. ‘Certainly, my child. How long is it since your last confession?’ ‘Three years, Father.’ ‘Dear, dear me, I expect you have committed a lot of sins in that time, such a tasty piece of stuff, I mean such an attractive young lady as you.’ And she heard a sound which sounded like the licking of lips. Perhaps Father M’Bongeau must be thirsty, she wondered artlessly. ‘ So let’s start at the beginning,’ prompted the priest. `Forgive me Father, for I have sinned grievously in thought, word and deed. I have erred most wickedly and I have strayed from God’s ways like a lost sheep…’ ‘Cut the generalities, Marietta, and go for the specifics, or we’ ll be here all fucking day.’ ‘Well, I have tempted men by exposing my lovely body. I caused a lorry driver to crash into a tree by driving along the A44 in my Audi convertible without any knickers on. I tempted Plump Peter the Peeping Pervert to spy on me with his telescopic camera and I fired a crossbow at him, doing him serious facial harm. I provoked Victor the One-Legged Virginal Voyeur to try and look up my skirt by telling him I never wore knickers and then I broke his nose with a stone from my catapult.’ She heard a sharp intake of breath from the other side of the grille and what sounded like a zipper being unfastened. ‘Anything else, you little tart, I mean my child? Anything a bit naughtier, I mean more sinful? Socki it to me, you little slag.’ ‘Well, I stabbed my Bulgarian dentist in the buttock with a scalpel when he made a pass at me. I thought he wanted to put his prick in my mouth when he only meant his hypodermic needle. And I wore such a tight dress that your colleague, Father Tucker, had an orgasm on his cassock. And I…’ The bass voice from behind the grille said, ‘Yes, yes, all of this is reprehensible, but it’s not exactly wicked or sinful. Have you no really disgusting sexual acts to confess, my child? Come on, help me get my fucking rocks off." ‘No, of course not. I have never had a serious boy friend and I am keeping my virginity for marriage, Father.’ ‘What? You’re a virgin? Are you taking the piss out of me, you hornbag?' ‘Of course, I am a good Catholic girl.’ ‘What about self-abuse?’ ‘Well, Father, I frequently diddle myself, but I never actually, you know…’ ‘What? Spit it out, my child.’ ‘Well, you know, Father, I never actually go all the way with myself. Except accidentally.’ There was a moment’s silence from behind the grille. Marietta heard some rustling and groaning and then the grille between her and the priest opened. And guess what? A huge erect black penis popped out right in her face. She stared at it. It was enormous and shiny and totally gob- smacking. ‘Your penance is to suck on that, Marietta. Suck on it R*E*A*L hard and I shall pray for your soul as you do so,’ ordered the randy cleric imperiously in a deep voice. 'And remember, it is better to swallow than to spit.' And so Marietta did as she was told and soon she got a lovely mouthful, tastier than Ben and Jerry’s Vanilla with Gorgonzola and Double Jersey Clotted, which happened to be her very favourite flavour of ice cream. ‘Yummy, yummy,’ said Naughty Marietta as she swallowed eagerly. ‘Oooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh yes!’ bellowed Father M’ Bongeau in religious ecstasy, 'Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!' And then the huge ebony willy was withdrawn and the priest gave them both absolution for their sins and he told her not to transgress again, but if she did, she was to be certain to bring her confession to him personally, as he was an expert in absolution. Naughty Marietta left the church, her soul lighter and free from all stains of sin; she licked her lips pensively and was surprised to find that her panties were absolutely dripping wet. As wet as Bognor Regis on a Bank Holiday. When she got to her car, she was enraged to find that the local traffic warden, Miss Nasty, had given her a £50 parking ticket. ‘Fuck you, you fat old dyke,’ she yelled at the departing back of the departing meter maid, who she realised had once felt her arse at a bus stop when she was only 15. Naughty Marietta decided she had had enough of being a cock-tease. Now she was going to shag for Britain.

Engelbert Humpalot 7-Oct-07/9:54 AM

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