Replying to a comment on:

The Other Cancer (Other) by lexxie100

Hi, my name is Emma You probably don’t notice me I’m that girl in your class The one you say is freaky? I’m a quiet girl But I always have the right answer I miss a lot of school Idiots call it cancer It may be a disease But it’s one of another kind It doesn’t affect just my body But also my mind They say there are programs And places I can go But I don’t want to talk about it I don’t want it to show But people seem to notice When I don’t have new clothes Or when I leave with the counselor I feel like everyone knows They say that it affects many Like one in five or something And that it’s a cycle A never-ending ring My friends can’t come over Their parents all frown Why does everyone know? How is it all over town? So my mom drinks What’s the big deal? I still have basic things Almost every meal The cops have only shown up Like four or five times? Is that enough to make me crazy? To start talking in rhymes My family says it's a problem Domestic violence and all But it never hurts too much Kinda like a bad fall Sometimes I blame me And try to do more But if chores and school aren’t enough And we’re still poor? How do I fix it? How do I go on? I already take care of me Am I to be her pawn? Since the time I was six I could cook on the stove But her to bed when she passed out Took her keys when she drove I could dress myself Wake up on my own But myself to bed It was like living alone I knew my full address And number of social security I would poor out the drinks To keep a level of purity But she’d just go out And spend the money for rent Then we’d get thrown out To Sarasota we went That’s when life almost got better She did good for awhile Then she met this guy I’d forever hate the name Kyle He would hurt her And screams I would hear I wished it would go away I hated the beer You see, it messed up her judgment And messed up her head I knew if she didn’t stop She’d wind up dead One night it was really bad She went into intensive care Among others she had a broken wrist And surprising news to share There would be a new member Joining my house A little girl with two parents But a mother and no spouse So you’d think the guy would stop After all it was his child But the beatings just got worse A restraining order was filed My mom didn’t keep the girl Her name would’ve been Hope I went to live with my dad New problems with which to cope When she lost me Her life went downhill from there Depression sank in Drinking was her only care One night she just left Grabbed her keys and went But alcohol was in her system To jail she’d soon be sent I didn’t see her much after that Between visits and phone calls It became too disturbing To talk between walls I remember the last time I saw her I told her what I’d learned in school That alcohol affects everyone around it And that it is not cool I spoke to her about life And everything that went wrong Everything had a substance involved A common note in a song To there was this gateway drug A young girl tried when she was thirteen It made her feel older Like she was a queen At the age of thirty-seven She would die from its abuse Her liver couldn’t take it anymore There was no longer an excuse She would never get better Or join a support group She would leave her family Start a financial loop So much for alcoholics anonymous So much for control After so much abuse The effects took toll Hi, my name is Emma You probably don’t notice me But if I’m kind of quiet The reason’s not hard to see

Ranger 3-Jul-07/2:30 AM
This is very good in many places, but when you force the rhymes it loses some of its intensity. If you want to rhyme (I love rhymed poetry) then try using a rhyming dictionary - there are plenty of good ones online - for greater variety. Throwing in some unobvious rhymes here and there usually works well, but the most important thing is to remember that rhyme is a rhythmic device, and should be subtle rather than forced.

I hope this isn't from your own experience.




Track and Plan your submissions ; Read some Comics ; Get Paid for your Poetry
PoemRanker Copyright © 2001 - 2024 - kaolin fire - All Rights Reserved
All poems Copyright © their respective authors
An internet tradition since June 9, 2001