Replying to a comment on:

Baby (Other) by sca

I remember sweat, and sticky water, Our bodies pressed in deafening sound, Your hair a perfect frame To what we screamed, but only mouthed. Pure strangers laughing ecstasy, Eyes met by future friends, You became my bosom-rebel As we made each other’s ends. I’d sew the details, to your dresses, Bite wear into your clothes, You were the symmetry of person, The confidant I’d never known. I remember fingertips, and lipstick, A roughness to our softened skin, The smile you used to give me And how neither would give in. The way you used to kiss me And pull my bottom lip, How only you could say it And it bitterly was missed. We knew then just how stupid Our sharp words must have been, That car with blinding headlights Dragging two girls in. The way they took and broke you, The sound of muffled screams, How I couldn’t even feel What was happening to me. I remember how your soul died, Scarred wrists and corner beds, How you knew you weren't the same But were too proud to take the meds. Coming home that Sunday morning, Your three missed calls that said Panadol was how your whole died, That my rebel-girl was dead. To my baby, of a million words, The kind a vigilante sends, Through bipolar blood and tears I loved you to the end.

lmp 14-Jun-07/10:51 AM
holy fuck. dark only says half of it.

i think this has the opportunity for a lot of expansion. there is a lot of story here for so few lines, but there are enough lines used that it either needs to be longer and expanded into a mini-epic, or edited down to a more concise yet potent missive.

i like this and hpoe you will work further on it.




Track and Plan your submissions ; Read some Comics ; Get Paid for your Poetry
PoemRanker Copyright © 2001 - 2024 - kaolin fire - All Rights Reserved
All poems Copyright © their respective authors
An internet tradition since June 9, 2001