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Breath (Free verse) by thetrev

The stuffy beige is alleviated by the slightly unbuttoned windows. They let the sweaty voices of students in, echoing, banging. The blinds bulge with blinding light, a fly or two settle here and there: on a book of Dryden's, books on Dryden, books on Dryden's theories, books on Dryden's hobbies, laundry lists and sex life. Big breaths, bottles lined up like a squadron about to fire water down the desk bound. Their wrists are taut from the writing, their legs part to let air circulate, a lock or two sticks to the back of their neck. The moment comes when above a partition eyes catch, and then shy. Between the shelves, looking for PQ 4563.Z3 you spy a lone leg straining, further up a belly rubs against the ledge, elsewhere an arm. Either side of the book path are creatures with large desks for legs, rectangle merpeople undulating with boredom.

richa 30-Apr-07/3:38 AM
I don't know what the hell is going on here. The stuffy beige of what? How are windows unbuttoned, are they windows or shirts? How are voices sweaty? We still don't know where we are when you talk about big breaths bottles, lined up like a squadron. If the poem had a better sense of place the reader may be more inclined to explore these metaphors but as they stand they just look like gibberish. 'Their wrists are taut' the 'their' is meant to be about the students (I hope) but the students have not been mentioned since stanza 1. Verses 3-5 are a perfectly lucid poem in themself but verses 1+2 fail to impart much meaning.




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