Replying to a comment on:

Fanatic (Free verse) by Dovina

Fanatic Walled in a city of visions, he believed in beauty and order. Bogged in a gray slough of facts, his tongue had learned to mock, his lips to sneer. Prepared with opium hopes, he came greenly on life, to receive flowers of tenderness and gentleness he had little known. (old version 12/29/06) Walled up in his great city of visions, his tongue had learned to mock, his lips to sneer, bogged in the gray slough of factuality. Thus he came greenly on life, unprepared, save for opium visions of himself. He believed in fine flowers of tenderness and gentleness he had little known. He believed in beauty and order.

Ranger 2-Jan-07/1:31 AM
Love the last stanza and like the idea within 'greenly', although I hate the word itself. 'Factuality' really doesn't sit well as a line end, 'fact' would do just as well for me.
Too many uses of 'he'; maybe you're trying to show his idealistic egocentrism, but it sits awkwardly with me. Still effective though.

Happy New Year :-)




Track and Plan your submissions ; Read some Comics ; Get Paid for your Poetry
PoemRanker Copyright © 2001 - 2024 - kaolin fire - All Rights Reserved
All poems Copyright © their respective authors
An internet tradition since June 9, 2001