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All I Can Hear Is A Rattle (Free verse) by colbaby

Hum goes the computer and whistle goes the kettle Damn this bloody Viagra it’s turned my dick to metal Entering the foyer at work my office is ten floors up Talk about embarrassing the lift doors wouldn’t shut Whiz goes the bullet and sadly there goes my dog Under my truck, what rotten luck, the way that I laughed was quite odd I take a peek among my sheep and spot my favorite ewe It’s handy to have something like this when you’re looking for something to screw Moo goes the new born calf and other assorted cattle Oftentimes I wiggle my head and all I can hear is a rattle

nypoet22 6-Oct-06/1:43 PM
first couplet ROCKS! the middle three don't go off nearly as smoothly though. ending picks up again, aided by internal rhyme as well as endrhyme. plus, social commentary clothed in vicarious self-effacement makes for an excellent closing idea.

the dog under the truck and elevator that won't shut, although i understand the jokes, are just not very strong lines. edit, or maybe just eliminate those and pare the poem down to 3 stanzas to preserve the continuity? with this sort of poem, hit 'em quick and finish quick is often a good policy.




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