Replying to a comment on:

I Have, Because I Am (Free verse) by flock

I have walked for twelve days straight With a sprained ankle. At the time, I carried 18 kg on my back and I was struck by heat exhaustion and diarrhea. I have clung to the side of a mountain, Hoping that a small clump of grass, Which kept me from falling 400m to my death, Did not break and thus spell out my demise. I have crept along a 800m-high precipice, Wondering if I should carry on to the top and Risk falling at any moment. What a wonderful view I saw from the top though. I have jumped across a crevice, and in doing so, Saw how close I was from meeting my fate. I have seen others do likewise And felt their relief as well. I have crawled in the dirt many times, Hoping that I could escape what had befallen me. I have stood on mountain-tops and Looked out as far as I could in every direction. I have looked over three mountain ranges to see the horizon, But saw only a vague haze. I have watched clouds gather and Fall like a thunderous cough onto a dry earth. I have seen birds build nests. I have seen plants grow Between small cracks in the rock. I have watched ants wake up and Start a new day of hard work, On a sunday. I have heard ants chewing on wheat stalks. I have seen a spider weave a web with Skill and intent unrivalled by any human. I have heard the birds waking at dawn. I have watched the moon fall into the sea. Twice. I have looked up at the stars. The very same stars that Explorers before me have used to navigate the seas. I have navigated through A mountain shrouded in mist. I have seen human traits in animals. I have seen animals in some humans. I have seen someone hate another. I have seen another love someone else. I have nurtured. I have destroyed. I have built towers taller than houses. I have been given a lot. I have had a lot taken from me. I have been the center of attention. I have been shunned. I have cracked under pressure. I have prevailed under worse. I have been tired. I have spoken to strangers. I have been robbed. I have had my self-worth broken down to nothing And then built up again to be stronger. I have done the same for others. I have watched as my mind slowly drifts away, Only to grab hold of it at the last minute. I have pushed my mind and body to the limit several times. I have done evil things, of these i am not proud. I have people I care for. I have people who care for me. I have made friends. I have been alone. I have laughed. I have cried. I have lived I have, Because I am.

Ranger 21-Sep-06/2:33 AM
Q: 'And by reading someone else's experiences and knowing these feelings for ourselves, does this not make us relate to the poem so much more?'

A: No.

This is just a list of mildly emotive scenes and statements. If I put my shopping list here, would it suddenly become a marvellous piece of poetry just because lots of people have also made similar shopping lists? No it would not. The whole point of eliciting emotion is just that: that you *elicit* feelings. Hence the overriding purpose of the 'show, don't tell' guideline. If you say 'I have cried', so what? So have I, so has almost everyone else - but it's not making me feel like crying now. If you say 'I am ridiculously happy', it doesn't make me jump around for joy. Otherwise the following line should be the most emotionally evocative line in existence:

"I really, really love butchering puppies".

It doesn't do much except maybe make you laugh, does it? If, however, I was to write a few lines describing the wounds on said puppies, and their helplessness, then it might be more effective. Emotions have far more of an impact if the reader actually has to conjure them up on their own - which also has the added bonus of making the poem more 'personal' to the reader as well. This is why Dovina suggested keeping the more original ideas, so that the reader would actually have to work out what it might be like. By all means keep the message 'live life to the fullest' - a noble enough sentiment - but simply listing the things you've done in life doesn't motivate me to do those same things.




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