Niphredil5 Sep 2006

Ah, a poeme of ye olde pastoral Englande, before the wicked industrial revolution came to turn it into a haunt of machinery and smog! Wait, wait, I saw a reference to a tractor. Scratch that.

Stanzas 2,3,4 are my favorite, and despite all the criticism you've been getting about mixed metaphors, they are similar - because they all speak of nostalgia; of loss, and of what is left after the flurry of activity dies away.
I loved the windmills rotting within, although could not dislodge fleeting association of Don Quixote, which I doubt you were aiming at.

Stanza 5 is trickier. You've got the first reference to machinery, which would cause the reader (or at least, me) to perk up his proverbial ear. Although the first two lines fit in with the atmosphere of the previous stanzas, the rest are different and evoke action - engines are revving. You mention "craft and cunning", which in their turn imply action; the skyline sharpens (day is coming?).

I do not care for stanza 6, because it doesn't seem to fit in. I think it could probably be omitted, if you were to change the end of stanza 5.

First and closing stanzas are obviously very similar - heather, twilight, and two people. You should probably watch the twilight bit because stanza 6 is referring to the dawn, which might be temporally confusing...
They're terrific, of course, but I can't rid myself of the feeling that I've seen them, or something similar before. If I remember, I'll tell you; perhaps it's something in the unallayed peace and sweetness. I would personally prefer some imperfection in the final stanza, in order to connect it with the rest of the poem - for instance, a scene in which you are walking in wilted heather, the honeybees gone - but still together. It would fit in better, I feel, with the general "fading" of the poem.

But of course you do realize these are all comments on a masterly piece of work, right? 9 for now. With slight polish and rework, this would be a most beautiful 10.