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Diary (Free verse) by Dovina

These pages on my screen, hard-drive bits aligned with soft cerebral shadows, changeable with keystrokes, as memory with time. “probsbly right,” I read and grin, almost fix it, but then, it’s “probably” and “possibly” mixed, and let it ride, in bits and brain alike. Time, the jailer’s tool, squeezes present toward the end, And finally frees the space. Events and deeds, some never said, never read, typed tonight, fall to recording head, and sleepy eyes to bed. A musty album of decisions crafted, acts and actions that created me, not fact, but verisimilitude I’ve learned to trust.

ecargo 28-Jul-06/1:59 PM
Some problems in logic and flow, but I like it overall. Resist rhyming "aligned" and "intertwined"--we all want to do it, and too many succumb. "Soft cerebral shadows" reads nicely.

I love the second verse--we get a nice bit of YOU (the you in the poem anyway).

Next verse (time)--I like it in concept, but I'm not clear on how time keeps it all in place--seems to me that diaries do the opposite--keep time in place. Maybe I'm just misreading it. I like the interplay between jailor and "frees the space."

"Events and deeds" verse doesn't scan right (grammatically/logically).

Last verse--you've come to trust verisimilude, not fact? If yes, lose the comma after fact. What you're saying, in effect, though is that you've come to trust the appearance or suggestion of truth rather than fact? verisimilitude doesn't always equal truth though; we're very self-deluded critters sometimes.

Like it overall--you seem to be simplifying, which usually makes things stronger, clearer, less pompous.




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