ecargo28 Jul 2006

Some problems in logic and flow, but I like it overall. Resist rhyming "aligned" and "intertwined"--we all want to do it, and too many succumb. "Soft cerebral shadows" reads nicely.

I love the second verse--we get a nice bit of YOU (the you in the poem anyway).

Next verse (time)--I like it in concept, but I'm not clear on how time keeps it all in place--seems to me that diaries do the opposite--keep time in place. Maybe I'm just misreading it. I like the interplay between jailor and "frees the space."

"Events and deeds" verse doesn't scan right (grammatically/logically).

Last verse--you've come to trust verisimilude, not fact? If yes, lose the comma after fact. What you're saying, in effect, though is that you've come to trust the appearance or suggestion of truth rather than fact? verisimilitude doesn't always equal truth though; we're very self-deluded critters sometimes.

Like it overall--you seem to be simplifying, which usually makes things stronger, clearer, less pompous.