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A Time to Dance (Free verse) by Dovina

Daddy, I have need of you You should be living in this hour The world’s a fen of Selfishness, technology and theft We’ve forfeited your gentle care Last night I dreamed of you Closed-eyed in another’s arms He spun me, held me, smiled at me And told me I was fine You never danced me—wasn’t right But many years have passed And in your arms last night I followed, transferred back Swung to a better past I thought you’d like to know That in that final hour When you told me, “Blessed Jesus, I’m tired; let me go,” That another’s come He’s just like you But not you, not the same And as he swung me, held me Closed eyes thought of you And thought you would approve

ecargo 25-Jul-06/10:25 AM
Not bad. I think the second verse is stronger as a beginning if you could work in the "daddy" bit elsewhere (title or otherwise). Also, and probably because it makes me think of Roethke's "My Papa's Waltz," I wish the rhythm was more, er, rhythmic, to suggest the dance. Here's how Roethke does it (mostly because I adore Theodore Roethke and will take any chance to quote him). In his version, it's all about rhythm, suggesting the waltz, and his choice of detail:

The whiskey on your breath
Could make a small boy dizzy;
But I hung on like death:
Such waltzing was not easy.

We romped until the pans
Slid from the kitchen shelf;
My mother's countenance
Could not unfrown itself.

The hand that held my wrist
Was battered on one knuckle;
At every step you missed
My right ear scraped a buckle.

You beat time on my head
With a palm caked hard by dirt,
Then waltzed me off to bed
Still clinging to your shirt.





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