Ranger25 Apr 2006

I got the idea of the transferral from living to the afterlife then back again perhaps - reincarnation. I like the idea of the nomad - going from physical life to spiritual life (can also apply to going from waking reality to dreaming). The passage has a slight grammatical glitch to my eyes. 'I sleep as a nomad that listlessly tosses one day's plain and settles in on another' - you don't often find people tossing a plain. I guess you might mean tossing blankets and then whirling landscapes in dream but still...I'd consider possible revisions for that. I'm still musing over 'seperated hair', it seems very meaningful but isn't evident to my eyes (I'm tired, bear with me). 'Life remains outside' is a good way to talk about a dead body - or even a body in a coffin. Then you have the play of morning/mourning. 'Dissever from reality' is to split from reality, either by dreaming or by death. 'Discriminate from sin' is understandable, but it feels like you're playing with grammar there...ideally you'd discriminate something from sin. I assume you're using it reflexively there...well I've never come across it as a reflexive verb. 'I sleep...to discriminate myself from sin'. 'Ramify from...' works well to show the dreams seeping out like the soul from a newly-deceased person.
All-round good work, really it's only the grammatical points which need working on.