Poemranker [Replying] Sun Nov 24 02:48:17 PST 2024

Replying to a comment on:

I sleep to fight off yesterdayâs embers, I sleep to separate one dawn from the next, I sleep as a nomad that listlessly tosses one dayâs plain and settles in on another, I sleep to show the people my lovely side-my separated hair and glaring eyelids. Life remains outside, staining morning in itâs conclusionsâ¦ when I sleep to dissever from reality, to discriminate from sin that divides my head into halves. I ramify from the heavy flesh, lazy and mortal, at night.

Ranger

25-Apr-06/5:18 PM

I got the idea of the transferral from living to the afterlife then back again perhaps - reincarnation. I like the idea of the nomad - going from physical life to spiritual life (can also apply to going from waking reality to dreaming). The passage has a slight grammatical glitch to my eyes. 'I sleep as a nomad that listlessly tosses one day's plain and settles in on another' - you don't often find people tossing a plain. I guess you might mean tossing blankets and then whirling landscapes in dream but still...I'd consider possible revisions for that. I'm still musing over 'seperated hair', it seems very meaningful but isn't evident to my eyes (I'm tired, bear with me). 'Life remains outside' is a good way to talk about a dead body - or even a body in a coffin. Then you have the play of morning/mourning. 'Dissever from reality' is to split from reality, either by dreaming or by death. 'Discriminate from sin' is understandable, but it feels like you're playing with grammar there...ideally you'd discriminate something from sin. I assume you're using it reflexively there...well I've never come across it as a reflexive verb. 'I sleep...to discriminate myself from sin'. 'Ramify from...' works well to show the dreams seeping out like the soul from a newly-deceased person.
All-round good work, really it's only the grammatical points which need working on.

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