Replying to a comment on:

Inbetween Lovers/Blueprint (Glosa) by Ranger

(quatrain taken from 'Blueprint' by god'swife; "Dream wife" from 'Penny Loafer Blues' by ALChemy) Tonight I hate your hands and their craft I cannot sleep as you do Pressed against the cool walls Of sudden and strange houses I should not secretly confess like this Love with the lips, you always insisted But then again, you prefer emotions to be audible And I, ever the silent I Have invisible wings wrapped about you all the time Remarkable pain killer to take with every draught That bears you up, away into the arms of some foreign sun When early gold returns new lore will be spun Although I'm prepared to accept it may seem like I laugh Tonight I hate your hands and their craft Your kiss, I'd guess, is as fleeting as your scarlet dress I have no such flamenco flame to scorch me as I rest I sleep alone. Does it make me seem strong in Solitude? Mine is a scarf to cloak this voice but leave the body longing How many times I have bargained, drunk with God To take this lust - I'll plead again tomorrow Take my heart, take my rib Bring me the dream wife I've glimpsed in print But don't think of me at night when you have much to prove I cannot sleep as you do Many evenings die, spent waiting for your Knight Oblivious to the irony; a tall shadow splits in directional light Ghostly spectrum - I admit my favourite shade is jealous Of those skeletons of your offering whom you took inside Too physical to hide Too visible to avoid recall Then you tell me I'm the only one who protects you through every storm And you reduce me just a little more With each new figure summoned to burn, to blaze, to fall Pressed against the cool walls In awe of the enchantment you engender Days fold, stretch, decrease and end remembered As tallied photographs of wasted air which does not thrill I wish I was that Knight of myth, of sword, of skill For he would be a blinding tempest wrapped in silver swirl Whereas I am just the heir within this shirt and trouser hold Who will watch the current make your banner wave And if love is unknown, then I ought not say How I hate that the mystery you espouse is Of sudden and strange houses

Ranger 24-Apr-06/2:41 PM
'Painkiller' passage - it's not the painkiller that takes her away, it is the draught. As in, you take painkiller (tablets) with a draught of water, and a draught (breeze) can carry you to the sky. The wings are arms around her, which she knows she can always go to regardless of whoever else she's been away with (awkwardly phrased explanation).
Okay, I'm getting too defensive there. I can see the links without problem, but I guess maybe I do throw too many metaphors around. Maybe I should keep them all and expand the poem, or perhaps I'll edit a few out. I'll rewrite this as a completely new poem; I want to keep this version so that I can see where the improvements came from, and generally to compare the two (plus it's got a good score =D).

Blueprint - I actually disagree that the language is ordinary. Or if it is, I don't think there's anything in my piece that isn't especially common. No more so than the idea of 'sudden houses'. People might pick out certain words and say 'nobody uses that in everyday speech'. The same with the play on 'draught'. Nobody really uses those sorts of plays. But that's what poetry is, to me. It's a game. It's a challenge to hide things under the surface, to apply double meanings and see if people spot them. Good poetry is when it's made beautiful.
Anyway, that's off topic. I will rewrite this after having a good think. Having seen the recent lack of comments on here, I'm not sure I'll get much from posting it on the ranker. Do you use any other sites? I feel like I'm haven't really advanced recently (slight writer's block as well) and could do with learning new tricks.




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