Replying to a comment on:

Inbetween Lovers/Blueprint (Glosa) by Ranger

(quatrain taken from 'Blueprint' by god'swife; "Dream wife" from 'Penny Loafer Blues' by ALChemy) Tonight I hate your hands and their craft I cannot sleep as you do Pressed against the cool walls Of sudden and strange houses I should not secretly confess like this Love with the lips, you always insisted But then again, you prefer emotions to be audible And I, ever the silent I Have invisible wings wrapped about you all the time Remarkable pain killer to take with every draught That bears you up, away into the arms of some foreign sun When early gold returns new lore will be spun Although I'm prepared to accept it may seem like I laugh Tonight I hate your hands and their craft Your kiss, I'd guess, is as fleeting as your scarlet dress I have no such flamenco flame to scorch me as I rest I sleep alone. Does it make me seem strong in Solitude? Mine is a scarf to cloak this voice but leave the body longing How many times I have bargained, drunk with God To take this lust - I'll plead again tomorrow Take my heart, take my rib Bring me the dream wife I've glimpsed in print But don't think of me at night when you have much to prove I cannot sleep as you do Many evenings die, spent waiting for your Knight Oblivious to the irony; a tall shadow splits in directional light Ghostly spectrum - I admit my favourite shade is jealous Of those skeletons of your offering whom you took inside Too physical to hide Too visible to avoid recall Then you tell me I'm the only one who protects you through every storm And you reduce me just a little more With each new figure summoned to burn, to blaze, to fall Pressed against the cool walls In awe of the enchantment you engender Days fold, stretch, decrease and end remembered As tallied photographs of wasted air which does not thrill I wish I was that Knight of myth, of sword, of skill For he would be a blinding tempest wrapped in silver swirl Whereas I am just the heir within this shirt and trouser hold Who will watch the current make your banner wave And if love is unknown, then I ought not say How I hate that the mystery you espouse is Of sudden and strange houses

god'swife 21-Apr-06/12:38 AM
I want to make sure I've got this right; the theme of your poem is unrequited love, which is also the theme in Blueprint. Correct? When I asked how are the lines connected I didn't mean what THEME connects In Between Lovers to Blueprint. I meant that the actual lines used at the end of each stanza have no connection to the previous lines in the same stanza. In other words, you're not leading us to the last line of the stanza. Forget about Blueprint or connecting themes, just concentrate on your ideas and how you're going to make my lines your own by using them within the context of your story.

1) The scene is only visible after you decifer it for us. None of your metaphors have anything to do with each other. you have to stay with one metaphor for at least each stanza, and you have to use a metaphor that is plausible. what do the invisble wings represent? Love? Jealously? Obsession? then say:

A pair of invisible wings is my love/jealousy/obsession .....
or
My love/jealousy/obession is like a pair of invisible wings.
or
I wrap my love/jealousy/obsession around you;
a pair of invisible wings
to bear you up and keep you
far from pain.

You can't use painkiller as a metaphor for invisible wings and then say they take you to the arms of some foreign sun. Painkillers can't take you to the arms of a foreign sun. Invisible wings can but it's to late! You changed them into painkillers. Painkillers can take you to the arms of nirvana or to the arms of sleep; the arms of relief etc.... If you want the other guy to be a foreign sun then you have to keep the wings. If you wanted you could make her a comet/angel/Icarus or anything else that can make it to the sun. You make a mess of things when you keep changing the metaphors. If you want to introduce a new image you can try using a simile:

My invisible wings like death
take you away to the arms of a foreign sun.

Wings can carry you off to a foreign sun and death can carry you to either heaven or hell which can be represented as a foreign sun. All the metaphors and similes are related to each other. They make one cohesive image for the reader to build on.

You also start with a silent written confession but 'she' would rather you love with the lips i.e. with speech or kisses. But it could also be that she wants your emotions to be heard outloud.
How can you say but then again?

She doesn't like A she insists on B, but then again she prefers b. There's no logic.

I don't like waffles I insist on pancakes, but then again I prefer flapjacks. It looks to me like your trying to do to much to soon.

And as far as ordinary language and memorable poetry is oncerned Blueprint is completey written in common language.

Tonight - I - hate - your - hands - and - their - craft.
I - cannot - sleep - as - you - do
Pressed - against - the - cool - walls
Of - sudden - and - strange - houses.




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