god'swife20 Apr 2006

Invisible wings are perfectly fine. If this is a metaphor you strongly believe represents an inportant point then leave it in. Because of all the other things going on before and after you introduce the wings, the air is taken out of your sails. You're sputtering along.

"I haven't included any filler in this, every line is relevant".

Aye, there's the rub. That is the poet's great dilemma. Each expression, each phrase discribes something you felt. You just can't use them all at once. You have to choose, but if you focus on message first and style second, you will improve dramtically. You have to be ruthless about getting down to the bare bones. Once you establish a good foundation then you can test which embellishments make the poem beautiful. As for a title you should use --Madly in love with my bestfriend-- as a working title. If, while you're editing, you use a title that states what the poem is about, you will always be able to look to the top of the page and re-focus on what your poem is really suppose to be about.

As I said, I'm happy to give some guideness intil this works, but I am pressed for time these days, so I won't always be able to get back to you right away.