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grim task (Villanelle) by lmp

at the end of a gruelling day, in the middle of a dreary week, he collects himself and his meager pay. there are no words he cares to say amid dirt and grime and his own reek at the end of a gruelling day. ev'ry day he toils and prays needlessly for what he seeks. he collects himself and his meager pay. carving into wet silty clay another sepulcher for the meek. at the end of a gruelling day, his life's work is death, per se. he stands watch while the wagon creaks, he collects himself and his meager pay. no matter if they work or play, no matter if they're strong or weak, at the end of a gruelling day he collects himself and his meager pay.

Ranger 20-Apr-06/2:04 AM
Nicely written! I'm of the opinion that poems with complex structures require a careful reading, so I shall make a more detailed comment later today when a) I'm more awake and b) I've thought about this more. In the meantime, here are a couple of minor suggestions:
'he cares to say' would bolster the rhythm a little (in my reading, anyway). 'He does awake...' would work better reworded without the 'does'. It brings nothing grammatically. 'he awakes and *insert passage here* to pray', maybe? And a couple more adjectives would have looked good to me.
Good, strong rhyme scheme here. I will return later, hopefully with more to say. In the meantime, here is an 8




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