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Inbetween Lovers/Blueprint (Glosa) by Ranger

(quatrain taken from 'Blueprint' by god'swife; "Dream wife" from 'Penny Loafer Blues' by ALChemy) Tonight I hate your hands and their craft I cannot sleep as you do Pressed against the cool walls Of sudden and strange houses I should not secretly confess like this Love with the lips, you always insisted But then again, you prefer emotions to be audible And I, ever the silent I Have invisible wings wrapped about you all the time Remarkable pain killer to take with every draught That bears you up, away into the arms of some foreign sun When early gold returns new lore will be spun Although I'm prepared to accept it may seem like I laugh Tonight I hate your hands and their craft Your kiss, I'd guess, is as fleeting as your scarlet dress I have no such flamenco flame to scorch me as I rest I sleep alone. Does it make me seem strong in Solitude? Mine is a scarf to cloak this voice but leave the body longing How many times I have bargained, drunk with God To take this lust - I'll plead again tomorrow Take my heart, take my rib Bring me the dream wife I've glimpsed in print But don't think of me at night when you have much to prove I cannot sleep as you do Many evenings die, spent waiting for your Knight Oblivious to the irony; a tall shadow splits in directional light Ghostly spectrum - I admit my favourite shade is jealous Of those skeletons of your offering whom you took inside Too physical to hide Too visible to avoid recall Then you tell me I'm the only one who protects you through every storm And you reduce me just a little more With each new figure summoned to burn, to blaze, to fall Pressed against the cool walls In awe of the enchantment you engender Days fold, stretch, decrease and end remembered As tallied photographs of wasted air which does not thrill I wish I was that Knight of myth, of sword, of skill For he would be a blinding tempest wrapped in silver swirl Whereas I am just the heir within this shirt and trouser hold Who will watch the current make your banner wave And if love is unknown, then I ought not say How I hate that the mystery you espouse is Of sudden and strange houses

god'swife 19-Apr-06/11:30 PM

I should not secretly confess like this
Love with the lips, you always insisted
But then again, you prefer emotions to be audible

This is very diffucult to understand on first read. The lack of a period at the end of the first line you wrote along with the comma between -...lips, and you always insisted- confuses what your trying to communicate. There should be a period at the end of line 1(when I refer to line numbers I'm not counting the first quantrain). the first piece of information, that you shouldn't confess, ends there. What she says is related but it is a seperate image. Then you reconsider how 'she' might like your confession, but alas, you don't confess, in fact you become silent and then the next 3 words tell us you have wings and then they're wrapped around 'her'. I am not saying you can't display many images in a small quantity of words. What i am saying is that here, without periods, pauses or sustained images the reader is sopreoccupied with trying to follow your train of thought that they can't relate to the poem. A reader can only be moved by art that strikes a cord in them. If they haven't experienced what you're discribing, then your discription should make them feel that they can imagine what it must. Ultimately you're trying to convey human existence, not some fabulous display of words and images, all poets are born with the ability to do that. The craft of writing is the ability to take an insight or emotion and express it, not only with style, but above all, the writer must do it with all sincerity. Say only the things that help your point get across. Everything else must go.




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