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Life (the circle) (Pimple) by *.*ReAdY To SnAp*.*

Life, A four letter word, Pain, A four letter word, Wondering the never ending journey of life, Hoping someone saves me from my raging twisting pain. Love, A four letter word, Help, A four letter word The one you care for, feel for, live for, the one you love, Drowning, loosing, suffocating, through life “Help”! A rip, A tear, A crack, A hole, A space, A gap, A slice, A cut, A life time gone, wasted, lost. Looking for what? Love, Pain, Help…Life A never ending circle, Brings us back to the start, The start…of… Sadness, frustration, confusion, searching. Searching for…love, pain, help, life. A map you say, Not on paper, Not your average scroll, All you need is your heart, And time. Follow your heart, but take your time Or, You’ll end up back at the start. The start of sadness, frustration, confusion and searching. Life, A four letter word, Pain, A four letter word, Wondering the never ending journey of life, Hoping someone saves me from my raging twisting pain. Love, A four letter word, Help, A four letter word The one you care for, feel for, live for, the one you love, Drowning, loosing, suffocating, through life “Help”!

Ranger 19-Apr-06/12:45 AM
Well, you listed it as a Pimple so I guess I was forewarned. Let's start with the good aspects: it's not from the first person perspective, and you keep the pronoun usage down to a minimum (which is a very good thing in poems like this). There are a couple of nice images in here - like the scroll, but not nearly enough to give it a tactile feel though. You've also got some fairly creative ideas, linking in the words with four letters.
Now for the crits. If you want to transform this from a Pimple into something which more people will read (and more importantly, enjoy), there are some pretty fundamental points to be made (if you just want it as an emotional release, that's fine...but people won't read it). Firstly, whereas there are no taboo subjects in poetry, not even depression and angst, these sort of topics are massively overused. So you have to be incredibly inventive and original to keep the reader's attention and interest. The abstract concepts you talk about in here (life, pain etc.) can be found in about 95% of Pimples, so either don't write about them, or find something completely new and unique to describe/explain them. The same applies to 'drowning, loosing (losing?), suffocating...' etc. I've already mentioned about giving more imagery with the abstract stuff. Read a whole load of the poetry on here, and any themes which crop up repeatedly, avoid. Or find a way of expressing them which hasn't been tried before. Attempting something new will get you more respect than reciting stuff that's been said a billion times before, even if the original writing doesn't work at first. People here will always give suggestions and help you look for connections and metaphors. Oh, and that's the other thing. Metaphors, similes and analogies will get you extra points in poetry. The trick is to make the reader do some work; don't spoonfeed everything to the audience.
Okay, that was a fairly mammoth comment but hopefully it'll be of some use to you. Angsty poetry is very difficult to get to work well. The closest I've managed is with a glosa ('Inbetween Lovers') of god'swife's 'Blueprint' (read some of her stuff). It's a great feeling when you get it right.




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