Poemranker [Replying] Thu Nov 21 13:54:55 PST 2024

Replying to a comment on:

Behind the storm clouds, the moon consoles the sun.(edited) (Free verse) by ALChemy

Oh morning girl, let your tears fall. Though mother sky and father light are engaged in such a turbulent fight I will hold you safe by day or night, through thunder and through squall, through whatever fates befall. Come, ride on my shoulders Sunshine. Let us play in the midst of the rain. Let us ride out the storm and in time Let love and smiles heal pain.

ALChemy

14-Apr-06/9:13 AM

Thank you Imp, your critique raised alot of good questions.

The first line is me addressing her, much like I did with you in the first sentence above. It's one continuous thought like if someone got your attention by saying "Hey Imp".

I actually thought about using "tumultous" but it has one too many syllables. It actually stretches the line too far although my intent was to keep the meter of the rhyme a little off to accentuate the tumultuousness of the poem.

I actually prefer the rhythm with "by" left in and it sounds more like a declaration that way.

I'm not sure about a comma before Sunshine. My grammar check program doesn't seem to have a problem with no comma before Sunshine and it seems to have a problem with the comma.

I usually like to end my poems off meter. It tends to give that extra sense of closure to it.

You're absolutely right about "the Fates".

This is just my reasoning for why I wrote it the way I did. You might be right on all counts. I'll certainly consider what you've said for a while.

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