Poemranker [Replying] Tue May 07 01:23:32 PDT 2024

Replying to a comment on:

Behind the storm clouds, the moon consoles the sun.(edited) (Free verse) by ALChemy

Oh morning girl, let your tears fall. Though mother sky and father light are engaged in such a turbulent fight I will hold you safe by day or night, through thunder and through squall, through whatever fates befall. Come, ride on my shoulders Sunshine. Let us play in the midst of the rain. Let us ride out the storm and in time Let love and smiles heal pain.

lmp

14-Apr-06/8:22 AM

ok at the risk of being nitpicky:

1st line: maybe a comma after "Oh", as in "Oh, morning girl..." you may want to set off this line from the rest of the following 5 lines as it is a complete sentence of its own at the very opening. or not.

3rd line: i would choose "tumultous" instead or turbulent. i realize that you are perhaps making weather references and turbulence fits, but tumultuous i think has a better ring to it. and maybe they are not a single fight, but many: "...engagged in such tumultuous fights"

4th line: lose "by". a little smoother rhythm. and maybe "day AND night".

6th line. "fates" [plural] - to me - needs to be "the Fates". or, you could say "fate befalls." i think "squall" (singular) will still rhyme enough with "befalls".

7th line: comma before "Sunshine".

10th line: needs another syllable? "the pain" or "your pain" would do it.

this is another very lovely and touching poem; i like its bittersweet quality. very nicely done. i also realize that my comments are not everyone's taste, so "take what ya want and leave the rest", as it is said in some circles.

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