Caducus10 Apr 2006

Making a transition from poetic verse to narrative is very difficult to do. My point is that it reads like a draft - a good one nonetheless but not one that I would deem good enough against the competition of published authors if thats your plan. I think the main problem is lines such as :

this process began awakening limbs and organs that
had never wanted to feel this pain again

You must be able to describe something without the comfort and cosseting of commas, so try and do the image in one without having to drag it out as it shows a lack of confidence, a lack of skill and ability to show what it is you are saying without actually saying it and patronizing the readers intellect.

I'll be honest I cannot do it so work with the best i can within my ability. I can hone and improve my talents but the finished article is a reference to ones self of being totally aware that the final print is the representation of the peak of ones ability.

Its a good piece of writing but do not be constricted by deadlines or by a personal time scope you have set. Let the piece manifest from advice given and personal inspiration and then let it loose.

Examples are hard to give as you hold the pen and the thought processes - not me or anyone else.

Its got a lot of potential so dont get shot down by quick reader sick feeder bunch (whoever they may be).

G'luck