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Feelings for a Lost Love (Free verse) by denisebar2006

I stared out into the sun wishing the pain would run run away has if on fire.z So I would not have to regret my heart’s desire. The desire to hold you in my arms but that won’t ever happen again thanks to a loaded firearm. These trinkets of metal that kill people learn to use them with so much skill, while I weep in the dark because you won’t ever come back to me. I lost you on my birthday. What should have been a day of joy turned to sorrow. I cried and screamed and begged GOD please bring you back to me. But my prayers were not answered and I was left alone. I miss you now even until this day always looking at the front door expecting you to walk through. So I can ask: “Honey how was your day?” But life is so fragile and precious and you: don’t have yours anymore. I can’t feel you next to me. I can’t hear your voice in my ear. I can’t see your wonderful face. Life is so fragile and precious and without you my life is over.

Ranger 7-Apr-06/12:18 AM
I hesitate to attempt a critique of this in case the story is genuinely true. I don't want to hurt feelings or seem offensive here. The emotions are conveyed in this and the tale itself is tragic, but as far as the poetic side goes, it needs work. There are a couple of typos to iron out, and some of the rhymes are a bit overused and unoriginal (and stanza 1 in particular feels very forced). I'd like to see more description - tell me who he was, make me visualise him, visualise you as well.
The end of stanza 2 and start of stanza 3 are good, this has plenty of promise but needs refining.

I do hope this isn't a true story though.




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