ecargo27 Mar 2006

Not bad, but some lines are a little awkard and you stagger back and forth with the rhythm, e.g.:

"The girls waiting to have their legs spread/I like to walk . . ." "who have their tears shed"; etc. Most are easy enough to fix, really, by paying attention to the rhythm and watching for artificial-sounding inversions (e.g., instead of "who have their tears shed," could be something like "I pity the romancers who have shed/their tears when all they need is a good lay." That way, too, you retain the iambic pentameter w/out contorting the line.

Clever, mostly, and fun.