Replying to a comment on:

After The Snow/Diamonds And Rust (Glosa) by Ranger

(quatrain taken from 'Diamonds and Rust', by Joan Baez) Well I'll be damned Here comes your ghost again But that's not unusual...it's just that the moon is full And you happened to call Is it only two years past? I'd swear it's been much more But I remember just one November And everything after is gone Lost in the year's last veil, always soft to part No thorn words struck, no cold door slammed Like a street scene - scarf and shawl I sing 'Qui êtes-vous, belle dame?' Having sworn never again - here I now am Well I'll be damned With those last words to a nightingale Crushed velvet twilight starts to fall As though somebody cried 'Love blinds its domain' I shut my eyes to make sure I caught a glimpse serene, a dream of you, once well known Who spoke of dark romance, of love arcane Enchantment, haunting song Bound and still in awe, enthralled with you to blame Eyes closed all in vain - Here comes your ghost again Storm of emerald. You stare, ever irresistible into me Then from this deep, grave mattress vein I rise like an uncertain sun, slow spindle Thin black silhouette of gallows frame Yet again in dead, round candle's faint light The diva wind brings her lament Blood-chill iron voice to hail A queen you seem, proud you reign Where I lay in that spectred aisle's pull But that's not unusual...it's just that the moon is full And you haven't visited for a while I still think you're beautiful Though I never was More than mortal mundane Like a shivered dart fresh from water's skin Lying sunk in bedspread sprawl In the company of a broken mirror I was going to sit here this December in disdain Just drink, and think of nothing at all And you happened to call

ecargo 24-Mar-06/6:14 AM
Well, ultimately your gut has to be the judge. I have my own biases and opinions and gaps in knowledge. I might say "what's Dickens doing here?" because, based on whatever Dickens novels I read a million years ago, my idea of Dickens is ragged waifs and bleak scenes of poverty and whatnot. You or someone else might think, well, duh, Dickens, ghosts of future, past, etc., and think it works perfectly well. Ditto for Cain--I think the connection is tenuous at best. You or others might disagree; find connections I don't see.

What I will say is this: if you're putting in extratextual allusions simply to justify a detail--e.g., referencing Dickens as a way to provide context for shawls and scarves--I don't think that's a good enough reason. There are better ways to do it that don't distract and provide more balance or ballast or whatever in the poem. And when you get to the stage where you've figured out how to fix most of what you didn't think worked--that third draft stage or whatever--put it aside and grow some distance. Then go back and see what jars, what people said jarred them, etc., and then have a go at tweaking it.

Anyway--Ranger Nightingale. What kind of hitman name is that? http://www.biovox.com/generators/hitman.asp




Track and Plan your submissions ; Read some Comics ; Get Paid for your Poetry
PoemRanker Copyright © 2001 - 2024 - kaolin fire - All Rights Reserved
All poems Copyright © their respective authors
An internet tradition since June 9, 2001