Poemranker [Replying] Thu Nov 21 22:30:39 PST 2024

Replying to a comment on:

One Too Many (Free verse) by ElmoBeavisButthead

One too many times my heart has been ruptured, Broken from your doings. One too many times my smile was forged, Covering up my cry for help. One too many thoughts of leaving you paraded my mind, Yet I am still here with you. Those few times of love and happiness with you are still here, And because of that I am willing to forgive, To forget, But that, That would be one too many.

Ranger

21-Mar-06/7:01 AM

Not bad, the recurring 'one too many' is good and the language as a whole is quite inventive. What I think you could improve on is the way you deal with the subject matter (which is probably the most widely-written about subject in poetry, particularly here). You write very directly - and I personally think this would make more of an impression and stand out more from the rest if you could build this into a metaphor. Perhaps take 'forged' as the starting point and build a poem with blacksmithing imagery, perhaps talking from the point of view of the blacksmith forging an item, or maybe from the viewpoint of the item itself, or from anything else that might be there.
My advice would be to read an assortment of love/breakup poems on here, note the recurring themes/phrases, and avoid them like the plague. Then have a read of some of the top-ranked poems and look at the language used, the metaphors used etc. My personal favourite on this site is Christof's 'Instructions to a Sculptor' - a pretty much perfect example of metaphorical, rhymed, structured poetry. Caducus' works are also excellent for picking up fresh, innovative ideas. And believe it or not, the best poet on this site to learn rhythm and wordflow from is -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. (plus he never fails to be hilarious). Just don't get offended at anything he says.
Having said that, this shows plenty of promise - the last line is good, and you certainly have potential as a writer - keep reading the stuff on here and learn from it!

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