Ranger16 Mar 2006

'Damp yellow light' works beautifully, and the bank clerk's grin similie put a smile on my face! The continuity across lines 7 and 8 felt odd, somehow - personally I'd try and avoid using 'That needs' at the start of the line; but then again it would be pretty awkward to twist around effectively.
The loose rhyme scheme suits this piece, not so distracting that it detracts from the imagery, but enough to make itself known in the background.
Top class.