Replying to a comment on:

Bent and Broken Wings (Free verse) by TLRufener

Lying alone at night Unclothed, unloved, Remembering a not-so-distant touch, I wonder why My angel was taken from me. Perfection in my eyes; Gently caressing with his touch; The only love I have ever known Now, only a memory. That touch still lingers As does a burning kiss Drawing m nearer to the edge. The edge of reason and respect; Of following orders and commands. Doing what the heart feels Instead of what the mind thinks. Being able to turn back. Asking forgiveness for something That can never be fully explained; Never fully understood. Lying alone at night Wrapped in unloving blankets, Remembering a forbidden love, I cry for the loss of my angel. I gave my hopes and dreams, And now leave them forever On his bent and broken wings.

Ranger 8-Mar-06/10:08 AM
Line 12 needs a typo fixing.
This was quite nice...but it left me feeling a little unsatisfied. I found the last three lines good, quite evocative, but the rest of the poem failed to build up to it enough. I think the problem is that it's a bit vague and somewhat cliched - 'Doing what the heart feels/Instead of what the mind thinks' don't really make me feel or think anything.
'Lying alone at night/Wrapped in unloving blankets' is good and could easily be built upon; give me solid images rather than hazy emotions.
Still, this has plenty of potential.




Track and Plan your submissions ; Read some Comics ; Get Paid for your Poetry
PoemRanker Copyright © 2001 - 2024 - kaolin fire - All Rights Reserved
All poems Copyright © their respective authors
An internet tradition since June 9, 2001