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Penny Loafer Blues (Prose Poem) by ALChemy

For a moment I thought I had it. Mi senorita bonito, el amor de mi vida, readymade with gleaming sons, wedding bound. One day a one man carnival and then; a zookeeper, backwasher, permanent Santa Claus. “Father?” ⠀œYes son, what do you need?” “Shoes. I’ve spent all the money and forget to buy shoes.” “Are you sure you want mine, their so ( treadless, heels unstitched, leather kinked and wrinkled but polished, always polished. Memories of little feet sliding in them, hooking tongue as I lifted into step, my flop flop march across the hardwood floor.) old and used” And there I was once more, my feet now grown and now I was prepared. Pressed into size 10 shoes and I could feel the discomfort in my size 11 souls. You could have said, “Son run, run to the whores, run to your hand, run away from those sins of another man. Run to your dream wife who’s face as light glows through closed lids like stained glass, illuminating blood capillaries the color of fresh lava and if you concentrate appears into your frontal lobe as vapor apparition. She is your soul mate, your starlet projected against a screen of inner skull.” You could have told me father, not to wear them. Nearly two years since she left me now father. I have no need for your prophet shoes. But they’ve stretched since then and are now, I admit, quite comfortable.

ecargo 29-Jan-06/5:42 PM
Pretty cool--the imagery is well done overall. I was confused about "father" though--until the end I though one of her "gleaming sons" was talking to you (in the role of surrogate).

Nits: that first semi should be a colon ("One day a one man carnival and then:"). "Who's" should be "whose" (and "whose face as light glows" seems like a word is missing).

What I really liked: "gleaming sons"; "flipflop march"; the stream-of-consciousness description/memory of the father's shoes; "You could have said, “Son run, run to the whores, run to your hand, run
away from those sins of another man"; the "vapor apparition."

What didn't work as well for me (for whatever that's worth): "permanent Santa Clause" (just seems like there must be a better way to say this); "size 11 souls" (think this is a typo--soles--but if not, it's a little too precious). This line: "dream wife who’s face . . . a screen of inner skull” has too many unconnected images--I like the comparison of blood running like lava, but it's not connected to anything else in the poem, and the rush of images--stained glass, lava, starlet on a screen--aren't connected to each other and don't connect to anything else, so it just seems like you were searching for the right analogy but didn't find it (maybe that's deliberate). "Soul mate" is a cliche, and "screen of inner skull" and "frontal lobe" just seems too--I don't know--hard, maybe, or sterile or something.

Not sure I get "prophet" shoes. I like the fact that he blames the shoes, somehow, but I don't know if the buildup gets us there. I like the "stretch" intimation of growing, though.

Nits and the rest aside, I DO like this a lot. Very imaginative w/good lines and a good story with a tight focus.

Hee--I just read Ranger's comment, and isn't it funny how what doesn't work for one person completely works for another? Anyway--take this for what it's worth: one person's opinion. ;-D




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