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Tonight (edit) (Free verse) by drnick

Your eyes swallow pain Like the desert swallows rain I'm falling down down and back on my feet again A shade of gray I comprehend One that makes your mind expend I've stalled on the tracks and started a new trend In the dreary cold of winter's night You're my solemn bedside candlelight I want to push you away with intent to invite Alas, you've stolen my rhythmic breath To such an extent there’s no more left I'll be the willing victim to such a beautiful death

ecargo 28-Jan-06/2:51 PM
I think it needs more unity--your images just sort of come out of nowhere (e.g., tracks, the desert, etc.). Don't let the rhymes drive the poem. Also, sometimes a near rhyme will serve you better than a straight, simple rhyme (e.g., "gray I comprehend/One that makes your mind expend"--expend here needs something that it modifies, an object, for one thing, so why not use expands or something instead. Contrary to popular belief, there are no rhyme police.)

The ending lines give you something to play with; get us there.





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